Things that make me VERY CRANKY #213: “I’m late. I’m never late.”

A giant hand attempts to eat my face moments after I learn that I'm pregnant with Moses.

“I’m late. I’m never late.”

If someone was to make a list of phrases that have been used more than any others in all movies and TV shows over the last however-many years, I’m sure this one would make the top 10. Maybe top 20, if you include movies/TV shows that aren’t likely to include unexpected-pregnancy storylines. The line “I’m late. I’m never late” drives. me. BONKERS. If a character in something I’m watching says, “I’m late. I’m never late,” I immediately dock a whole star from my review, no matter how good the movie/show was before the line or is afterwards; a film or show that is perfect in every single way except for dropping “I’m late. I’m never late” at some point will never earn more than a 4/5 from me, no siree. I shouldn’t hear “I’m late” and then be able to mouth the follow-up line along with a character in a story I’ve never seen before. This shouldn’t happen! I’m shocked it still happens! Why are characters still saying “I’m late. I’m never late,” after all these years of characters saying “I’m late. I’m never late”? WHY?!?!?!?!?!

Sure, maybe all female movie/TV writers have crazily clockwork-like menstrual cycles and therefore think it’s perfectly natural to have their character divulge her suspected pregnancy by adding “I’m never late” to “I’m late.” (Or maybe these lines are written by men, who’ve seen women say this repeatedly in TV shows and movies for the past however-many years and therefore think this is something females are biologically programmed to say in this situation?) BUT, even if this were the case, the fact that every single woman who ever says the line, “I’m late” in a movie or TV show invariably follows this with “I’m never late” means that just for the sake of being unclichéd, unpredictable and not-boring, more writers need to STOP at “I’m late” and RETHINK THE NEXT LINE. If your character really has to say, “I’m late,” rather than, you know, “I think I might be pregnant,” then COME UP WITH AN ORIGINAL NEXT LINE, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. For example:

“I’m late. Which is kinda weird for me, so… I mean, it’s possible I’m pregnant.” 

“I’m late. I realise this on its own is not a sure sign of pregnancy, but my pee smells strange and I’m crying for no reason right now, so… yeah.”

“I’m late. No, I mean, I’m not late, I’m right on time, but my period’s late. What do you mean, ‘So?’ Have you not seen the movies? Do you seriously not know what I’m suggesting right now?!”

“I’m late. This happens all the time, actually, because my cycle’s all over the shop… I’m not entirely sure why I brought this up, to be honest. Carry on.”

IT’S NOT THAT DIFFICULT.